Life at the Homeschool Farm: February 2009

Jeremy, I miss him so much. Due to the circumstances of his childhood I spent many years alternately trying to enforce the discipline I thought he needed and force my way into his heart. That, mixed with other factors beyond my control, damaged our relationship, beyond repair I thought. I finally realized, after he moved out the last time, that I was just the step-mother. I wanted to be his mother so fiercely…he was such a great person and I loved his dad so much. Once I realized that Jeremy needed to come first and my feelings later I decided to back off and let him form a bond with his dad hoping that some of it would trickle to me. I still found myself trying to impress Jeremy and prove my love to him. Although, I realized that when I quit trying to force myself into his heart, it opened to me. The last time I saw time I finally asked him for a hug and instead of sighing and begrudging it to me (like I would have if I were him) he not only hugged me, he hugged me to him. I was still only the step-mother, but finally, he didn’t hate me. I am grieving our future relationship. I know that Jeremy is with our Lord and has received the answers to all his questions and can see into all of our hearts. He knows how I feel for him and that, most of the time, the mistakes I made were innocent or because of ignorance. I miss the feeling of safety I had when I was with him. He seemed to glow; I think he was an angel here on earth. I knew no one could hurt me, except him, when I was with him. I’d been feeling that for the last few years he lived with us. Of course, then when he made a simple teenage mistake I took it personally. I’m feeling that safety again. I know Jeremy is with me; he’s in my heart along with all my other loved ones. This means, that he’s forgiven me for my mistakes and loves me. The love he couldn’t show in life for fear of hurting his mother he can now show me; at least in my heart. I grieve for me, it’s selfish, I know. Jeremy has attained the ultimate and Heaven is a far better place with him there. Since I blew his childhood I only had his adulthood to look forward to. I will miss seeing him be a Marine, fall in love and get married, have children. These are the things I’m grieving and it’s purely selfish, I know. I’m jealous because I didn’t get to spend more time with Jeremy during his last year and a half. At his funeral I heard so many things about him and I read about what a good friend he was. He touched so many people. That was what I always wanted for him. I just wish I could have seen it daily. Of course, I am thankful for the time I had with him. The last few visits were great and we really connected. I just miss him. I know that in Heaven we will be able to be together and none of Jeremy’s loved ones will have to worry about being jealous of each other or trying to keep him to ourselves. In Heaven, we will all understand and will all be able to co-exist peacefully. All sides of the family got along so well at his funeral that for awhile I was worried that the purpose of Jeremy’s death was to get us all to get along. I kept thinking that was too high of a price. Well, it’s back to fighting as usual. Which is really too bad. There’s no reason for all the bad feelings and it grieves me. I know it bothered Jeremy when he was alive that none of his parents could get along with the other side. He had such a good and pure heart. I had a dream about Jeremy a few weeks ago. I only remember that we talked, that he loved me and that I felt peace. I woke up with a feeling of great peace. I’ve experienced this with my dad since he died. I love those dreams. I wrap them around me and take comfort in them. They seem to come periodically when I feeling the worst. Another thing that told me Jeremy had attained the manhood I dreamed for his is that his last words in this life were of concern for those around him. Apparently he worried that he’d caused someone else suffering and didn’t want that. He’s always tended to think of others before himself. Again, a good and pure heart. I think the best way for me to honor Jeremy is to be the best mother, wife and person I can. To not let fear get in the way of doing what I want or of doing what is right. I think that would be a great tribute to Jeremy. I just felt that I needed to get this all off my chest. I might delete this post later, but for now, I think it’s best to post it and make my declaration.
Me teaching Jeremy to lick the icing off birthday cake candles.